Food, Glorious Food!
by Kara's Aunty
Summary: Alice gives her family the most incredible Christmas gift of their afterlives ...


**Disclaimer: **The Twilight series belongs to Stephenie Meyer, etc, etc. All other recognisable names or products belong to JK Rowling. I am making no profit from this rather pathetic attempt to dabble in both worlds.

**Credit: **Twilight wikia and HP encyclopedia, and a nod to Oliver! (the film/musical) for the title ;)

**Note: **A sort of crossover with Twilight/HP

*****Please review, folks! It is the _only_ reward I get!*****

**Food, Glorious Food!**

* * *

_Christmas Day, 1990_

Alice bounced with enthusiasm as the Cullens congregated around the dining room table on Christmas Day. She had spent hours decorating the house with tinsel, holly and poinsettias. A large fir tree occupied much of the living room, its branches covered in baubles and lights, and the air was now pleasant with the heady scent of cinnamon. Outside, the rain had finally relented, allowing snow to fall thickly in its place.

"Don't you just love Christmas?" she chirped, squeezing Jasper's hand and beaming happily at her family.

Jasper dropped a kiss on her forehead. "All the more for spending it with you, pixie. Something I doubted would happen at all after you ran off and left me in London last week."

Alice laughed. "I didn't run off. It just so happened that I realized I was supposed to be somewhere right then. Besides, you were busy in Harrods."

Jasper huffed. "Yeah, thanks for abandoning me in the middle of the busiest store in England. I might have drained four hundred of the wealthiest shoppers in the country before you got back."

She cuffed his arm lightly. "I knew you wouldn't. I saw it. You know I'd never have left you otherwise."

He smiled down at her. "I know. I just missed you while you were gone. Where _did_ you go, anyway?"

"I went Christmas shopping of course," smiled Alice "I could hardly have taken you with me - it would have completely ruined your surprise."

"And your fun," teased Jasper knowingly. Alice laughed. "Okay, then; I'll forgive you for deserting me - I couldn't bear to deprive you of something that makes you so happy."

"Including yourself?"

"Especially myself," he whispered softly.

Her husband stroked her cheek tenderly and Alice beamed up at her love, thinking how very lucky she was, and how very handsome he looked in his stylish new green Gaultier jacket.

How very _Christmassy_ he looked in his stylish new green Gaultier jacket ... She could hardly wait to take him upstairs and unwrap him.

Shelving the thought for the moment, Alice returned her attention to the dining room. A large square box, beautifully gift-wrapped in green silk, and artfully tied with a glossy red bow, took pride of place in the centre of the huge table. Her gift to her family. Most of the other gifts had already been opened, but she had insisted they leave hers for last.

"I'll tell you more about where I was after Carlisle unwraps my gift," she promised Jasper. "You're all gonna love it! Love it, love it, love it!"

Alice tugged at his arm in renewed delight. Suddenly she stopped to throw an accusing glare at Emmett.

"Don't even think about it, Herman," she snapped.

He gaped at her in offended surprise. "Think about what? And who the hell is Herman?"

"Munster. Herman Munster. That's who you look like when you get that dumb expression on your face; you know the one - it usually appears just before you do something stupid."

"Like what?" growled her brother. He scowled at their parents and siblings, who were laughing at his new nickname.

"Like trying to snatch my gift from the table before we've finished looking at everything else," replied Alice pertly.

Emmett transferred his scowl to her. "Sometimes I hate it when you do that," he grumbled, referring to Alice's gift of foresight. "And don't call me Herman, squirt. I look nothing like Frankenstein's monster."

"Then behave yourself."

She grinned as Emmett glowered at her, but a laughing Rosalie distracted him from his misery.

"Darling, open this instead." His wife handed the huge vampire a long, silver envelope. He tore it open with gusto and extracted two plane tickets and a letter.

"Reservations for two at the _Fairmont Monte Carlo _hotel in May next year." His eyes widened in wonder. "Wait a minute ... _May? _But that means …"

"That you'll be able to watch the Monaco Grand Prix from the hotel terrace," finished Rosalie with a smug smile. "Providing you cover up, of course. We wouldn't want to distract the tourists from the glamour of the race."

Emmett grabbed her to him, kissed her passionately, then spun her around in his arms.

"Babe, you're awesome! _Awesome!_" he shouted happily.

And so it continued. Alice waited impatiently as gifts were exchanged between all members of the family: cars for some - Jasper was the proud new owner of a vintage Aston Martin, courtesy of Edward; vacations for others - Esme received tickets from Carlisle for a two week trip to see the seven man-made Wonders of the World. Architect that she was, she was ecstatic. Alice and Rosalie were delighted with their own tickets to attend the Milan Fashion Week that coming February.

"I've already made our excuses at school for the week," beamed Alice to her sister; she had already 'seen' what their parents would gift them. "Do you think the boys can bear to live without us for seven whole days?"

"I'm sure they'll think of something to amuse themselves with," responded Rosalie with a flash of her perfect, poisonous teeth. "And if they can't, they can always help Esme redecorate the house while we're gone."

"No way," muttered Emmett. "The last time we helped out she said our painting skills sucked."

Esme laughed. "Not quite the phrase I used, Emmett, but close enough. How about a nice, meaty game of chess? It's been a while since you played. Or why don't you and Jasper go on an extended hunting trip instead? Or tinker around in the garage; some of the cars could use a good servicing."

The brothers seemed satisfied with the compromise, but Emmett still lamented the future absence of his wife.

"A full week, Rosie. That's gonna hurt. Miss you already," he said, squeezing Rosalie's waist. She patted his arm in consolation and whispered something in his ear which made him throw his dark head back in laughter. Her family, with their superior hearing, politely ignored the suggestive promise she'd given him.

Rosalie soon tore herself from her husband's side to give Edward his gift, and Alice's eyes sparkled with humor even before he unwrapped the set of self-help books with such winning titles as _Single Life Sucks, _and_ Why Women Hate Me And What I Can Do To Change It_, and finally _Paris: A Bachelor's Guide To The City Of Love_.

Esme glared at her children in disapproval, though she was alone in her sentiment; snorts, chuckles and hearty booms of laughter filled the air.

"We also got you a new piano, but it's being custom made, so you won't get it for a few weeks yet. As for the books, I swear that was Emmett's idea," apologized Rosalie, ruining the effect with a quirk of her perfect lips.

"I know," replied Edward with a nonchalant grin. "That's why I got him this."

Alice snickered knowingly as he selected the second-last gift from the table - a slim package in gold wrap - and threw it to his brother. Emmett snatched it deftly from the air. The wrapping was history in seconds.

"_Life After Divorce: A Loser's Guide To Surviving Rejection_. Gee, thanks Edward, but I don't think I'll be needing this."

"You might, if I meet George Clooney in Milan," quipped Rosalie. "For a human, he's pretty handsome. He's got that classic nineteen-forties look I like so much. And still single, too …"

"Clooney, schmooney. That guy ain't a patch on me and you know it," stated Emmett confidently, tipping her a lascivious wink.

"He's not a bolt on you either, Herman," cooed his wife with a smirk.

Alice, who was becoming steadily more impatient to have her gift unwrapped, held up her hands and clapped them to gain her family's attention. "Okay, guys. Enough with the flirting. Everything else has been opened, so it's time for the big one."

She stepped away from Jasper to slide the box over to Carlisle.

"As the head of the family, you should do the honors," she said, holding his amber gaze meaningfully. A mischievous smile curved at her lips, and Alice thought she might suddenly squeal with the excitement of it all. "You're gonna love it, I promise! It's simply wizard!"

Carlisle threw her an odd look at the old-fashioned expression, but she simply grinned back at him, refusing to elaborate.

"I can vouch for that," remarked Edward from a few feet away. He winked at Alice conspiratorially, prompting her to shush him.

"Don't tell! I want to see their faces."

He acquiesced with a nod. With Edward's silence assured, Alice watched her father expectantly.

"Well, are you gonna open it or not?"

Carlisle shrugged good-humouredly and proceeded to loosen the red bow. The eyes of his family were upon him as he lifted the lid and set it aside. He pushed aside the white packing paper and frowned.

"What is it?" asked Rosalie. The Cullens eyed the box curiously as he stuck his hand inside and pulled out a much smaller, rectangular, black-and-red box.

"Wow. All that packing just for_ that_? Seems like a real waste," remarked Emmett doubtfully. The comment earned him a poke in the ribs from Jasper.

"It's one of many," assured Carlisle absently. His eyebrows rose in astonishment as he read the label on the box. "_Blood Lollipops_?"

He looked at his daughter in confusion, clearly wondering if she was having some sort of private joke at her family's expense.

"Yes!" cried an ecstatic Alice, now bouncing up and down beside him. "Nutritionally balanced for the immortal diet! They're genuine, I swear, Carlisle. And totally delicious - I know; I've tried one! Look, there's even a little vampire on the label!"

A picture of a fanged man wearing a very high black collar stared balefully up at Carlisle. He arched an amused eyebrow.

"Okay, it's a bit cliché, but who cares? And look …" Alice pushed a speechless Emmett out of the way and dug inside the gift box, pulling out an electric green bottle, "… _Plasma Pop_. It's a soda made from …"

"Plasma," finished Carlisle, snatching the bottle from her hand and scanning the label carefully. He turned it around to read the ingredients. "'_Ninety-five percent Plasma and five percent pop'_. A rather … peculiar ingredients list." He twisted the cap and took a sniff at the contents. Amber eyes widened in surprise. "When did you buy this, Alice?"

By this time, Alice was bobbing around the room like a Duracell bunny. "When Jasper and I were shopping in London."

"You found this in London?"

"No, I _started_ in London, but I actually bought it in Scotland," she trilled happily.

"Scotland?" echoed six confused voices.

Jasper frowned. "When did you go to Scotland? And why didn't you take me?"

Alice emitted a long-suffering sigh. "I already told you, Jazz - I could hardly take you with me when I was buying your gift."

Her husband's frown deepened. "I thought you bought the gifts in _London_. That's where you left me, and you were only gone five hours. Even if you ran there and back, it would've taken you longer than that to make the journey up north _and_ spend time Christmas shopping into the bargain."

"Especially the way _you_ shop," added Emmett with a snort. It was a family joke that Alice - who, with her foresight, should have been able to walk into the relevant store and buy the desired gift within minutes - always dawdled for hours in case her vision had omitted to show her a hidden treasure or two.

In far too good a mood to rise to the bait, Alice ignored his jibe. She casually fingered her deep blue dress and smiled innocently at each member of her very perplexed family.

"As I was saying, I started in London - in Harrods with Jasper, actually - but then I had a vision that I was going to meet this wonderful old Englishman in Barnaby Street, so I had to leave before I missed him. Luckily I ran into him leaving a little bodega at the corner, and we got to talking. He was the most _incredible_ human - really! Pretty weird sense of style, but …" she shrugged, "nobody's perfect. But he was so sweet! Well, when he invited me to his office for a cuppa. I accepted."

"Cuppa?" enquired Rosalie, puzzled.

"Tea," supplied Carlisle helpfully. "A cup of tea."

Rosalie's face was a picture of confusion. "She doesn't drink tea."

The comment went unanswered as Carlisle returned his attention to Alice. "You mentioned Barnaby Street. But I thought you said you went to Scotland?"

She huffed. "I _did_. That's where his office is. Anyway …" she resumed, ignoring any further interruptions, "we left straight away and stopped off at a little village when we got there. Totally adorable! And that's when he showed me the store which sells all these wonderful products. And they're specifically tailored for vampires. Can you believe it?"

Esme picked up the Blood Lollipop package, and was examining it closely, when she suddenly cried out.

"Sweetheart, the figure on the candy box - it's changing!"

She pointed at the box of Blood Lollipops and everyone crowded around her: sure enough, the vampire caricature was fading out of focus and slowly reforming itself into a colony of bats.

"Holy shit!" said Emmett, looking impressed. Esme was too stunned by what she was seeing to chide him for his language.

Alice was almost beside herself with glee. She had _known_ they would love her gift! Oh, she wished the affable Professor was here, so he could enjoy their reactions!

Her amber eyes sparkled with delight as her amazed family converged as one on the box and started pulling items out with rabid enthusiasm.

"_Leukocyte Liqueur_," whispered Rosalie in breathy delight as she admired an elegant crystal bottle with black script. A well-dressed (but still cliché) female vampire in a tight red dress decorated the label; she sipped a glass of pale yellow liquid and dabbed delicately at the corner of her lips with a napkin.

"Has a real kick to it, I'm told," trilled her sister, pointing to the bottle happily.

"_Haematocrit Heaven_," recited an amused Edward, fingering a heavy red and orange carton.

"_Very _concentrated," sang Alice with a huge smile on her face. "It sorta like the undead version of tomato soup. Totally digestible and one hundred percent fat-free, of course."

The last part she added for Rosalie's benefit, though it was unnecessary. As vampires, their waistlines would never grow from what they had been at the end of their mortal existence. Her sister rolled her eyes.

"_Platelet Pasties_," read a grinning Jasper next.

"They explode on your tongue. A real taste sensation, or so the nice lady in the store assured me."

"_Erythrofries_." Carlisle frowned at the green bag he was holding. "Fries composed of red blood cells. Is that even possible?"

Alice nodded enthusiastically at the astonished question. "Nice and crunchy. There's even a little dip to go with them." She pointed at a small blue jar. "_Spicy Cellsa Sauce_, made from blood cell derivatives. Isn't it great?"

"Holy shit," repeated Emmett dazedly. "Do you guys know what this means? We can actually use the dining table for its original purpose; like any regular family. Sorta. _Holy shit!"_

And before his father could preach caution, Emmett grabbed a box of Blood Lollipops, tore it open, and ripped the wrapper off one. He stuck it in his mouth and closed his eyes blissfully.

"Emmett, please! Not before I've had a chance to analyze …" protested Carlisle trying to snatch the confection from his son's hold, but the burly vampire dodged him.

"Oh, man. Oh man, oh man ... This tastes sooo good!" he announced between noisy slurps. "I'd totally forgotten how good it feels to actually _eat_ something."

Encouraged by his reaction, Rosalie grabbed the Leukocyte Liqueur, twisted the cap and dumped it on the table. Within seconds she was chugging from the bottle in a very inelegant manner.

"Rosalie! Stop this instant! We have no idea what sort of effect it will have on us!

A beaming Alice patted her father's arm in comfort. "Don't worry. I met a vampire in the store who said he's been drinking it for years. _Three_ bottles a night." She shook her head in mild disapproval. "To be honest," she covered her mouth to whisper, "I think he was a bit of a lush."

"There's no such thing as an alcoholic vampire!" replied Carlisle in exasperation, trying to clear the food off the table before anyone else could indulge themselves.

"I beg to differ," said Alice pertly. "And so would the Professor."

"And precisely who _is _this human professor, that you would implicitly trust him with your identity and allow him to mysteriously whisk you across the border for a spot of … undead grocery shopping?"

That comment elicited a peal of tinkling laughter from Alice.

"Undead grocery shopping!" she giggled. "You're such a natural wit!

The Cullen patriarch stared at her evenly, refusing to be distracted while he waited for an explanation. His daughter finally delivered it with a beaming smile.

"Okay, okay. I'll tell." She perched herself on the table, threw him a Platelet Pasty and grinned at him widely. "I wasn't the only one of us trusting implicitly, you know. I had to take an oath not to reveal his presence, or the presence of his world, to anyone else but my family. Particularly not to the Muggle population."

Carlisle's handsome face went blank. Alice laughed anew before sweetly enquiring, "Carlisle, do you believe in wizards?"

And as Jasper tore into a Blood Burger and Esme swooned over the Plasma Pop; as Edward dunked a 'fry' into the pot of celllsa and licked his fingers appreciatively; and as Rosalie and Emmett fought over the Leukocyte Liqueur, Alice launched into a lengthy narrative on Professor Albus Dumbledore, the pretty little village of Hogsmeade, and all the wonders she had seen in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when she visited it for a nice cuppa.

A nice cuppa Earl _Globulin_ tea …

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

_Author's Note_: This is probably a desperately silly fic, and I don't really have any excuse for it other than the fact that I've always wondered if the Cullens would enjoy a Blood Lollipop from the wizarding world of Harry Potter. The idea popped into my head again on Friday, completely ruining all my efforts to concentrate on my other fics, so I just had to get it out of my system - for sanity's sake!

The lollipop itself is the only sweet canon-faithful to JK Rowling's magical world; everything else I conjured up because I thought the Cullens might enjoy a more varied diet … (evil grin).

Kara's Aunty ;)


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